Despite the fact I am a life coach and many folks associate that with being all touchy-feely, I have a confession.  I am not really a huge fan of being all up in my feelings.

Allowing one’s self to feel one’s feelings inevitably leads to having to deal with those feelings.  That’s great when the feelings are positive.  It’s a bit trickier when the emotions are less like butterflies and rose petals.

How I’ve learned to navigate this issue is to do my best to surround myself with people who make me feel good.  This sounds simpler than it is to practice.

We all have some people in our world who seem to exist just to challenge us.  To quote Taylor Swift, “Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.”  They are not who I mean though.

I’m talking about my friends.  When I have the chance to choose with whom I spend my time, I pick the folks who provide consistent support for my peace and joy.

There are a couple of common criteria for these people that I have identified over the years.

There is a consensus on our mutual awesomeness.

This is not to say that I fill my life with sycophants or people to place on a pedestal.  Rather it’s acknowledgment that my dearest friends think I am great as I am and I think they are amazing too.

Honestly, I am getting too old to choose to spend my precious time with people I don’t think are kind of great or who don’t allow me to feel great about myself. 

No one is perfect.  As long as I am physically and mentally able I plan to take the appropriate opportunities to improve myself.  However, I have to be confident that I am enough just being me.

When this is the case, I can call my friend when that hater is hating and know I am going to get encouragement.  We hold a mutual admiration as people that allows us to be supportive of one another.

We want to help each other be the best versions of ourselves.

The key to this criterion is that we both have a similar idea of what that best version is or at least have respect for the other person’s version.  If my perceived ideal circumstance is contrary to what my friend thinks it should be, it can be a recipe for hurt feelings.

Sometimes the people who we think ought to be our support let us down because we don’t have the same vision.  I have struggled on both sides of this equation.

Part of why I have always been in healing and helping professions is my desire to assist people to become the best versions of themselves.  My brain is chock full of information on a variety of topics and I’m always willing to share.

A problem arises when I seek to apply my knowledge to someone else in a way that seems right to me instead of allowing her to be who she wants to be.

I have to realize that every single choice my friend makes does not have to be the best one in order to contribute to making her the best version of herself.  That’s the same consideration I want to get from my close friends.

My view of the role of a friend is to cultivate a tendency to be remarkable in a way that brings positive feelings.  When being supportive is the objective, even slightly harsh constructive criticism is more accepted.

For the sake of doing to others what I want done to me, my daily goal is to be a source of positivity for others.  I try not to allow the good I think I’m doing to overshadow how I make others feel.

The late Maya Angelou said it best, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Dr. Jattu Senesie is a coach, speaker, personal trainer and retired obstetrician-gynecologist. She blogs about issues of self-care and well-being in an effort to help her fellow overachieving do-gooders learn how to be good to themselves.

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