Probably the most important skill I have developed in my transition from full-time obstetrician-gynecologist to self care advocate is how to say no. It’s not just the act of communicating that word. It’s being able to say it with confidence, without guilt and without regret.
Everyone comes through life with different experiences and innate skills, so how we get to an easy no can vary. Still, I would like to share what promotes my ability to say no with ease when it is appropriate.
Confident.
I know what is worth it to me and worthy of me. This may sound prideful. I assure you it’s really about being comfortable in my own skin.
When I feel comfortable in my own skin I am more confident in pretty much everything I do. That comfort and confidence really help in deciding when it’s a no. I can acknowledge my priorities and other people’s priorities and be cool with where they differ.
Obtaining that comfort and confidence requires me to be honest and accepting of who I really am. I have to know what is meaningful to me and stay aware of it regardless of the circumstances.
For instance, numerous offers to return back to clinical medicine over the past seven years have been very easy for me to decline. I recognize the importance of the work and appreciate my ability to do it at a high level.
I am also clear on why manifesting my altruistic tendencies in that way wasn’t worth it to me in 2010. Despite how antsy it makes other people, I have been very comfortable with the truth clinical practice hasn’t become worth it to me since then.
Guilt-free.
I understand that when I’m saying no to something that means I’m saying yes to something else. It helps to focus on what I’m accepting rather than what I’m declining.
In order to say yes to rest and restoration, I may have to say no to your invitation to hang out. In order to say yes to my healthy eating goals, I may have to decline your homemade Christmas cookies. It’s not personal.
If you are someone in my life with whom I have a genuine relationship, hopefully you will support my choice to say yes to being aligned with my purpose on this earth. If I don’t have a genuine relationship with you, most times it doesn’t really matter what you think.
I must admit to being blessed throughout my life with very high expression of the “I’m not that concerned what you think of me” gene, so that helps. My spiritual responsibility to show up as my authentic self fuels my ability to say yes to my most purposeful choices.
Regret-free.
I know that “no” can mean “not right now.” Generally, my no applies to this opportunity in this moment. Priorities shift. Circumstances change. I will not always decline your party invitation or your delicious baked goods.
I work in an industry where I am on the receiving end of many no’s. Because I market myself as much as my services, it would be very easy to take every no as an affront to my character.
That would also be soul-draining and remarkably self-absorbed. Sometimes when people say no to me, it’s just not a good fit for what they need right now. It’s not really about me.
Recognizing this fact allows me to apply the same principle to my negative responses. I can say a respectful no if it feels like no for me right now. This keeps paralyzing pressure off every decision.
That confidence I mentioned also frees me from fear of seeming flaky around no. If I change my mind to yes, I can’t let shame keep me stuck in a wrong decision. If it is meant to be, it will all work out without a need for me to feel embarrassed. If not, then I trust it wasn’t meant for me.
I acknowledge some no’s are more of a challenge than others. I’ve learned being able to say an easy no in situations that aren’t that big of a deal leaves energy and focus for the major decisions that need them.
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Dr Jattu Senesie is a board-certified obstetrician-gynecologist, certified success coach, physician satisfaction specialist and speaker. She blogs about issues of self care and well-being in an effort to help her fellow altruistic high achievers find satisfaction in their success as early in their careers as possible.
